Learnings

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"The challenging thing about the unconscious is that we are not conscious of it." That's a paraphrase of something Pittman McGehee once said in a conversation about the Shadow. He is a Jungian analyst and Episcopal priest who's been a mentor of mine for a while now. I'm looking forward to spending some time with him during my sabbatical (which starts after Ash Wednesday.)

I am often unconscious of my anxiety. Another mentor, James Hollis, taught me that anxiety is the fear of the unknown. Once we become aware of it, we can name it, and work on facing the fear.

Photo by Laura Derkits
When I am unconscious of my anxiety, I get irritable and grumpy. I slide into unhealthy habits like binge watching Netflix (trying to mentally escape), or I drink a beer or too many beers (to anesthetize the anxious feeling.) After Christmas, I decided to eliminate the second one, to take a break from the self medication for a season. I was inspired to do that partly by a friend who took a year off drinking to increase her awareness of how she manages work stress, family interactions, and social time.

About the same time, I started meditating again, and I think that's an important pairing. The daily (though I definitely miss some days) practice grounds me in the presence of God. It quiets that survivalist, anxious part of me that tries to keep everything together. It puts me in relationship with the reality that I am just me, and I am related to the world God has created. I am a small part of something. It reminds me that God loves me. It helps me move into a place of acceptance, love, and openness to whatever the day brings, even when it is not within my expectations.

But I missed a few days of meditation.

I was trying to do too much with little energy after our Diocesan Council (which was wonderful.) I packed too much into too few days. I was short with people who were trying to be helpful. I was a stumbling block (the sort Jesus said should probably just jump in a lake with a millstone...I was a rigid pharisee.) I knew I was in grumpy place, but only got that clarity about what was going on inside by taking time to meditate again. (I know I've got a phone call to make.)

As we arrive at the eve of Lent, I'm thankful for this opportunity to learn about myself, and to discover more of the unconscious motivations that drive me. It helps me to move closer to becoming the person God made me to be, to become my whole self. I'm heading into my sabbatical a little clearer about what I need to do to stay in the Way of Jesus: time to listen, time to be still, probably more play time, and definitely an open heart ready to learn. 

Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 26, 2020 at 9:14 AM

    Thank you for sharing. I also suffer from anxiety and have to be conscious of these overwhelming feelings. Taking a step back to breath and focus on priorities always helps me. Many blessings to you and your family as you begin your sabbatical.

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